For some time researchers have focused on the attachment between mother and child, with scarce research paying attention to the father-child dyad. Attachment between the child and caregiver is thought to help develop (or delay) the emotional and social development of an infant which attachment theorists such as John Bowlby (1969) believed shaped their relationship with the primary caregivers. Bowlby’s theory is rooted in the belief that infants are biologically wired to form attachments, when then becomes a mechanism that serves as a survival strategy during our adulthood years.
However, much of the earlier attachment research was rooted in the relationship between the mother and child with little on the role of the father. Nevertheless, contemporary research indicates that a secure father-child relationship can help young adults to deal with stress later in life, develop resilience, and be less vulnerable to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
As a result of these findings, it is vital children (particularly boys) have an opportunity to develop a secure relationship with a male role model which can include the biological father, but it is important to note that other attachments such as that to a grandparent, uncle or brother can be equally as effective.
The Main Difference Between Mother-Child and Father-Child Attachment.
It is thought that whilst the mother provides the emotional comfort to the child in times of distress, the father usually provides the explorative play mate connection; one in which can help to prepare the child to endure challenging times and the skill of emotional regulation – both the mother and father relationships are important for survival and belonging. However, this really depends on the norms, values and practices within various cultures for example, matrifocal families have mothers who are at the head of the family whilst fathers play a less important role in the home and in bringing up children. In this case it may be that the mother also takes on the play-mate role as well as the emotional support figure; this could be advantageous in terms of the courage presented by the potential deeper bond formed between mother and child. However, drawbacks can include the fatiguing position of performing almost two roles; that of the mother and father.
Fathers as “play-mates”
Play for children helps to support all aspects of their development, physical, intellectual, emotional and social. Through play a child can learn how to negotiate, learn the value of taking turns, sharing as well as gain an understanding of delayed gratification; these skills undoubtedly will see them thrive in their adult life.
The type of play that is seen to be beneficial for fathers to engage in with their child, which is thought to reduce behavioural problems during childhood and into adulthood is what we may refer to as “rough and tumble” type play. This is play which may involve behaviours such as, wrestling, pretending to fight (Freeman, 2017), play that pushes the child out of their comfort zone. In addition to this, play that can activate behaviors such as excite, surprise, and destabilize the child; may help children to learn how to decode emotional cues during interactions (Volling et al., 2019).
It is thought that from the emotions that can arise during the rough and tumble play can help the child(ren) to express their emotions in an appropriate manner as well as helping to direct the frustration to a safe place, which must be guided by the father during the play, for example if the child takes it one step too far or seems to be taking a while to calm down; the father ideally will put a pause on the play and speak wit the child to remind them of the boundaries or letting them know this is “just a game”.
Thus, these behaviours may provide a growth-enhancing opportunity to learn emotional regulation and emotional understanding, which children can then generalize to other social contexts.
Is “rough and tumble” play better for boys or girls?
Psychologist, Steve Biddulph stresses that play-fighting is important for little boys. Biddulph suggests that it should be the dad who is doing the play-fighting, and at the same time talking and teaching the importance of caring about the other person’s safety by interrupting the play if necessary.
Biddulph suggests that since boys have higher levels of testosterone compared to girls, this is a reason for boys tendency to be more into rough and tumble play. However, girls often love this kind of play too which is thought to stem from the fact girls derive a lot of their self esteem from fathers, because he is their first opposite sex role model.
For girls, it seems important for fathers to convey that his daughter(s) are special, important, interesting and worthwhile. It can be as simple as going to their sports event, walking the dog, or talking with his daughters to catch up on the best and worst parts of the day.
Overall, both mother and father attachments are crucial. They individually serve an important function when raising children to hopefully flourish into well rounded adults.
Event reminder: “Understanding the mother child attachment and adulthood trauma”
Whole Self Psychology 
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